Thoughts on Wellness and Self-Love

Wellness is defined by Merriam-Webster as: the quality or state of being in good health especially as an actively sought goal. I personally defined wellness as being proactive about health and happiness BEFORE physical, mental, and emotional homeostasis is disrupted. The focus is to maintain one’s health rather than waiting to feel sick and addressing the issue after damage to the body and mind has been done.

There are many examples of wellness. If you were to do a Google search for “wellness” you would find a plethora of subcategories for wellness including: physical, social, financial, environmental, spiritual, and so on. Such long lists can be overwhelming for a person seeking overall wellness to understand and uphold. Therefore, when considering cultivating positive habits and self-esteem, it is beneficial to simplify wellness to, “What does wellness look like to me in my life?” In my approach to cultivating high self-esteem, wellness may be simplified to three primary components: Physical Wellness, Mental Wellness, Emotional/Spiritual Wellness.

All three have distinct features that define the human experience. However, if one of the three aspects is out of balance, the other two aspects will be affected. We should strive for an equilateral triangle. Therefore, total wellness and cultivating high self-esteem requires effort and consistency to keep each aspect of the “self” healthy. For example, poor emotional health or low self-esteem leads to stress, toxic behaviors and mental illness; which then manifests as physical illness like hypertension, migraines, ulcers, IBS, etc. (1) Think of how various types of addictions are connected and how it affects total wellness. Essentially, by practicing wellness one is simultaneously practicing self-love. Self-love, to me, means nurturing one’s self. It requires having kindness and patience with yourself like how you may care for a small child.

Unfortunately, much of this kindness gets lost during childhood as we grow and learn internalized rejection and self-deprecating thoughts from our elders and guardians. In a conversation with a friend of mine, she discussed an excellent yet seemingly innocuous infringement on a child’s personal space. Some of you may relate to the child that is told by the adult to speak up or give a hug to someone that the child has not yet had the opportunity to get to know or trust. Is it appropriate for adults to be pressured into touching strangers? Why is a child’s personal liberty and bodily autonomy frequently violated? Could it be that the parent is more concerned with making the other adult comfortable to avoid their own embarrassment of an ill-mannered child? Could it be that, that was what their parents did to them, and they grew up to be just fine? Covertly and inadvertently, the child is being taught that their emotions and intuition does not matter. They must trust the feelings of the parent or guardian rather than their own. Well, what happens when the adult isn’t around to make that judgment for them anymore? It is no wonder that children grow up to be adults that cannot constructively defend themselves, or have poor relationship boundaries, or are just disconnected from others.

I believe that it is time to deprogram the notion that how we feel does not matter. After all, our feelings inform our thoughts and behaviors. How can someone be sure that they are making a good choice if they only focus on the feelings of others? How can someone determine what is a positive outcome for them if they only have consideration for the feelings of others rather than their own? Improving self-esteem is essential to proper discernment and healthy decision making.

Of course, selfishness is not self-love, and neither is self-sacrifice. How can you pour into someone else’s bucket if your own bucket is empty? Self-love is making sure that you are happy and content with your own decisions and life choices. When one strives to be the best person he/she/they can be, the bucket overflows. Only then is that person in a position to help those that need help, without feeling used or disadvantaged. People with balanced wellness and high self-esteem can also use discernment and recognize when someone does not mean them well. They can choose to put space between themselves and such individuals if the relationship is draining. Self-love repels codependency and guilt, and fosters independence and freedom. Many of us are not able to define or recognize a codependent relationship before it is too late. Unhealthy people hurt other people in the worst ways leading to typical relationship woes like: cheating, lying, lack of accountability, and feelings of being used. I am not above any of those experiences, which is why I empathize.

Therefore, our number one priority should be to take care of ourselves; yes, even before our families, if necessary. We all need someone to lean on at times, but is the leaning mutual or one-sided? If you develop poor physical, mental, and emotional health due to always looking after others, then who will care for the family when you are sick or… gone? It is a well-known fact that prolonged stress places enormous amounts of strain on the body and mind, and shortens our life. If one does not practice healthy balance, and wellness (in essence, self-love) will families and partners be left to make up for the loss of whatever you are attempting to provide for them? Is your bucket so empty that you don’t even care of what happens when you’re gone? Who will teach and protect the children from suffering the same fate as the parent? The cycle persists.

Self-love is not something that happens overnight, nor does it happen with one small change. Self-love is a practice and is continuous. Bathing and brushing one’s teeth does not stop (or should not) stop when one reaches a certain age. It is a life long routine of caring for the body. Conversely, missing a day of hygiene will not kill you either. However, if proper hygiene is continually neglected, the body will begin to break down.

Therefore, make a routine of whatever makes you feel good and maintains physical, mental and emotional wellness. Be kind to yourself throughout the process, because you were never taught this, and neither were your parents or their parents. Be brave enough to step away from negative family traditions. If you make a mistake, tomorrow is a new day. Just, begin again.

1. ”Mind/Body Connection: How Your Emotions Affect Your Health.” FamilyDoctor.Org. July 22, 2019, https://familydoctor.org/mindbody-connection-how-your-emotions-affect-your-health/. ­