"If you don't love yourself, how can anyone love you?" Can we agree to lay the old cliché to rest? Not that it isn’t true, but what the hell does it even mean to love yourself? I eat when I'm hungry. I work and pay my bills. I bathe. I get massages, and I do my makeup... sometimes. I take care of my body, so of course I love myself... Right?
The answer seems obvious, BUT how do you do something that was never taught to you in any practical way? What does it look like to have self-love? Are you trying to pour from an empty well?
At my juicy, sweet, ripe age, I've had much time to observe and reflect. I have wondered why we are more comfortable complaining about ourselves, families, jobs, or even the weather, than discussing something that makes us proud of our natural selves. Why are we quick to point out our flaws and dislikes rather than what brings us peace? Can we even think of one nice thing to say about ourselves? It's easier to talk about the accomplishments of our kids, families, or friends than our accomplishments. Even then, the "humble person" has to temper how much they "brag" about the people in their life to avoid appearing cocky and insensitive.
For me, the fear has always been that others will perceive me as vain, shallow, or fake. On the contrary, I feel complaining is rather shallow and insensitive. Chronic complaining leaves little space for the receiver to be honest about how they are feeling. The receiver may feel they must keep their true emotions to themselves and be sensitive to the complainer's situation or emotional state. Essentially, the complainer has taken water from the receiver's garden. A thoughtful person with blurred boundaries may feel as though the only way to connect with the complainer is to join in on the bitch-fest. This helps no one and can dig emotional and social holes for us.
Now, let me say first that toxic positivity is bullshit, and everyone needs to vent sometimes. Just, don't take water without asking. Check whether the person is okay with you venting before you start. Maybe they don't have the capacity to focus on your problems in that moment—which brings me to the point of this post. If you are having trouble and feeling out of balance, first decide what your needs are in that moment. Is venting going to help in any way, (sometimes venting stops me from flipping a chair and hulking-out) or are there less harmful ways to bring the emotions back into balance?
If you are a chronic complainer, like I was for a time, maybe your garden is dehydrated and wilted with tumble weeds. What will it take for you to water your garden?
My garden is most green and lush when:
I have enough sleep
I eat a healthy meal
I meditate
I do something physical
I take a moment to relax alone
I talk to people who show me love and laugh at my jokes
Everything on the list I have control over. I recognize my privilege as well. I am grateful that I have those resources at my disposal, and I try to actively work on bettering myself most days out of the year.
In the natural world, ecosystems need balance in order to function properly—our mental space is no different. Life is nuts sometimes, AND you don't have to go nuts trying to fix everything. That's impossible anyway. Want to spread a little good in the world? Just continue to take care of yourself. If you are kind to yourself, at the very least, you'll be in a good enough mood to be kind to others. Create a routine that works for you; and seek out whatever comes natural and helps you to return to balance, equilibrium—homeostasis. I hope this sparks a little inspiration in you. Peace out, Seekers!
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