Fake it ‘Til You Make It

I asked 20 people what comes to mind when they think of confident people. Their collective responses?

1. Confidence is a precursor and outcome of interpersonal and professional success.

2. Confident people are optimistic, positive, and magnetic.

3. Confident people are happy with themselves and their accomplishments.

This is compelling: the responses indicate a theme of lack of struggle or that confidence is inherent. When it comes to building confidence and self-esteem, I like to tell my clients “Fake it ‘til you make it!” Confidence is not something that many of us learn to cultivate when developing our social skills. We're told to “just believe in yourself,” but how do you even begin to do that after being teased, beaten, and ridiculed into submission? By the way, fuck middle school.

We must find balance in our lives—objectively recognize your weaknesses and do not be afraid to highlight your strengths (forget what those liars told us in middle school). A person who can do both is a person at ease and secure in themselves. A balanced person has done the work to be integrated and will likely appear confident to others.

My collective response list of what constitutes a confident person has some truth, but it also falls short—it only considers the “final” product, the appearance, and the goals manifested, but not the work and discomfort that the person endured to reach the point of integrating those qualities. The list doesn’t consider the internal work that a confident person has done to power through fears and self-doubt, or their feelings about how they show up in the world (or that confidence is being “faked”). Raise your hand if you have imposter syndrome.

What matters is how we show up in the world for ourselves and for the people around us. Consider this: the concept of having confidence is more about how we make people feel and if our energy attracts or repels. You don’t have to feel confident to be confident. Fake it ‘til you make it! You could feel confident and persuasive while being completely wrong. Who’s going to know the difference? I’m calling out the socially and financially “successful” scammers, fake spiritual gurus, and quacks. I’m not encouraging you to scam anyone, but take a page from the book of those charlatans when it comes to confidence. All I’m saying is no one else has to know that you’re terrified to take that healthy risk. All that matters and all anyone is going to see is that you took the leap, learned a lesson, and embraced the outcome. Fake it ‘til you make it!